Today was a big day for me. It was a supermoon, meaning the moon was brighter and larger in the sky, as well as this moon being the closest to the Earth until 2026. That means big moon energy to work with! I can always feel moon energy, it’s what started my interest in paganism too. I get giddy and excited, hyperactive and often get insomnia due to the pulling energy of the moon. It also influenced my interest in werewolves and wolf lore, but that’s a whole other post.
Preparing to Let Go
Over the past few weeks I have been struggling with intrusive thoughts and bad memories of several traumatic times in my life. Through my own tarot readings and those of others, I concluded it’s time to finally let these feelings go as they are only hindering my progress in recovery. And so I made myself some coffee, sat down and wrote several letters. I wrote the letters to those in my life who have abandoned, hurt or manipulated me. I wrote every single thing that’s been plaguing my mind, the things that keep me awake at night. I wrote the things that I was afraid to address before, and the things I had tried to forget. I wrote the letters as if I was going to send them to the people involved and they were highly personal and highly emotional.
Today I woke up, had breakfast and then showered. I imagined the water ridding me of all negativity, I visualised the black, sticky negativity (which I have come to call kegare – pollution, from Shinto) dropping off of me and dissolving in the water. I prayed to the deities to cleanse me and to get rid of the kegare how they please.
After my shower, I cleansed the area in which I was to do the ritual. I used a combination of incense and an essential oil spray. I then made offerings and prayed to Inari-Ōkamisama at the kamidana for their protection.
Next, I lit candles and incense at my pagan altar and prayed to and invoked Bast, Loki and Ceridwen. Finally, I prayed to and spoke with my ancestors, again asking for protection before this ritual.
Burning Away The Pain
The ‘ritual’ wasn’t so much of an ordered ceremony but was rather an emotional one. One by one I read the letters out loud, going through the emotions as I did. For each one I imagined that person was in front of me, and that I was talking to them. I felt anger, I felt pain, I felt betrayal and I felt grief. I felt more emotions today than I have in a long while. But at the same time, it felt incredibly freeing. I felt as if all the emotions that have been trapped inside me for so long were now outside of me, floating there and not knowing where to go.
As I finished reading each letter I imagined all of the emotions being absorbed by the paper. I held the paper tight in my hands and focused, really trying to force the negativity out and into the paper.
I took the papers outside and tore them up in an angry motion, chanting ‘I let go of these emotions, I am ready to move on’, placed them into my small ceramic cauldron and set them alight. As the papers ignited and I saw my emotion-filled words go up in flame, I felt so much weight lift. It was a wonderful feeling. I visualised all of the negativity being purified by the fire and sent into the air. I like to imagine that the moon drew the energy up and into it’s aura, purifying it further and recycling it.
After the embers died down, I was left with a cauldron of ashes. I felt so accomplished and happy. I then buried the ashes in the soil with a nail through the middle, something that Inari-Ōkamisama had shown me whilst I was praying the day before. I feel that the nail will help further ground the remainder of the memories and emotions.
I know that a ritual like this cannot erase the negative memories that I have, nor fix anything between the people and I. It did help me in other ways though. Through writing the letters, I was able to come to terms with many of the things that have happened in my life and I was also able to appreciate the positives. I was able to see that without many of the bad things, I wouldn’t have been able to move on and experience all the positive and wonderful things I have experienced. I would never have met the love of my life or appreciated him as much as I do. I might not have been able to travel to America or Europe and discover my spiritual interests.
I feel a lot more positive and happy now, and I know my future path is clearer to me. I may have to repeat this ritual many times in order to truly feel at peace with my past, or I may be able to move on already. But it’s clear that it helped me in a huge way. My partner said that it was so nice seeing me happy again, and that he could tell it did amazing things for me.
So this is me, writing this personal post from the heart. I took action and I’m moving on from all the negative things that have been holding me back. I’m so glad to have my faith in Inari-Ōkamisama and the other deities, in the afterlife and my ancestors and most importantly, in myself.